But never fear, Alfredo Amezaga, and his Jheri-curl, are stll here.

Listed generously at 5’10”, 165lbs., the scrawny Amezaga is best known for his ability to play every position, except pitcher and catcher–a perfect fit for the cash-strapped Marlins. You might be accurate if you think the Fish would let him play two positions at the same time if it was humanly possible.

But aside from his versatileness, Amezaga is also a possible future contestant on the hit TV show Dancing with the Stars, although his dancing partner from last season, Cabrera, will have to be replaced. For those who don’t remember, the two choreographed a post-homer dugout routine in which Cabrera lifted Amezaga off the ground and swung him side to side, almost as if they thought they were the next contestants to dance-off against Danny Zuko and Cha Cha DiGregorio.

“I always wanted to hit a home run every game,” said Amezaga,  who doesn’t hit many, in an interview with the Miami Herald, “just so we could do our dance.”

While something that special is difficult to replace, let’s go ahead and nominate Cody Ross to pick up the slack anyway.

But that’s not all; Amezaga is also an incredible judge of talent. Just listening to him rave about Cabrera gives you the impression that he’s on his way to a career in scouting, that is of course, if the dancing doesn’t pay off.

”He was skinny and had big ears,” Amezaga said. “I didn’t see any talent in this guy. Sooner or later, there was the 2003 championship over the Yankees, he hit [a home run off Roger] Clemens the other way, and I’m like, ‘Wow, the people were right about him.’ ”

Watch out Billy Beane.

So, fear not Marlins fans–believe in Amezaga. He’s our little baseball secret. Just hope the rest of the baseball world doesn’t catch on.

“The first thing [after the trade] he [Cabrera] said to me is, `Man, I’m away from you now. What are you going to do?’ ” Amezaga recalled. ‘I said, `I’m OK, what are you going to do without me? He said, `Well, I’m going to try to get you here to Detroit, too.’ ”

Before he hung up, Amezaga said, “I’m good here.”

You sure are Amezaga, you sure are.

Ah, baseball season. The crack of the bat, the smell of the pine-tar, the pop of a catchers mit. I’m feeling gushy. Time for another Separated at Birth.

After flipping through the rolodex of nothingness that is TheBigOz, I’ve discovered an eerie fact about America’s Pastime.

Not only are the Boston Red Sox entering the 2008 season as the defending World Series Champions, they’re also entering the year as the defending Separated at Birth champs, with 5, count ‘em, 5 active players on their roster who have been reunited with their long lost twin, thanks to TheBigOz.com.

Also included are the Upton boys.

What’s that?…neither of the Uptons play for the Red Sox?….screw it, we’re throwing them in there anyway! Alas, I give you, 5 Sox with a side of Uptons. Bon Appétit!

Curt Schilling – Jack Bauer

Okay, okay. So this one is a rehash from the first ever Separated at Birth. But c’mon, how can any list of Red Sox (and Upton) look-alikes not begin without this former ace? It just can’t, that’s how.

Mike Lowell – Hyundai Big-Duh Sales Event Guy

The holidays brought us plenty of joy and presents here at TheBigOz.com. But no present was greater than this gift by the marketing wizards over at Hyundai. In this commercial, we learned that nothing says “Happy Holidays” quite like the word “duh”. We also learned what Mike Lowell is going to look like in 20 years. Thanks Hyundai! You can view the commercial here.

Manny Ramirez – Predator

Watching late night TV is great for a few things. Talk shows, info-mercials, and crappy movies. Nothing makes a crappy late night movie better than a cameo from Manny Ramirez-err-Predator. Gosh, how late is it?

Terry Francona – Stinger

Speaking of movies, who can forget Francona’s stirring rendition of Stinger from Top Gun? Definitely his finest film work. Well, that and Detective Lubic from Masters of the Universe. He was AWESOME in that! “Nobody takes pot-shots at Lubic!”

Big Papi – Ester Rolle

C’mon, you didn’t think I’d go a whole post without mentioning Florida now did ya? Good times indeed Mrs. Evans, good times indeed.

BJ + Justin Upton – Rob and Fab/Milli Vanilli

You were promised Uptons, and it’s Uptons you shall have! You might think this one is a bit of a stretch, but “Girl you know it’s true!”

The fact is, we’ve all heard this song and dance before. For years now we’ve heard Brett wax poetic about how mentally tired he is, how he just wants Randy Moss, how he’d come back if he knew he’d win a Super Bowl, yada, yada, yada, only for him to take the first snap of the Packers season year after year.

Formally announcing his retirement yesterday, Favre claims he just doesn’t have the get-up-and-go to endure the physical, mental and emotional tolls of another long, long season. That is, unless he was guaranteed a Super Bowl.

I don’t doubt that Brett is tired. After 17 storied seasons in which he’s never missed a game, he’s certainly entitled. But don’t think that his exhaustion is the real reason he’s calling it quits. Not for one second.

You see, Bus Cook, Favre’s agent, told ESPN’s Chris Mortensen that the Packers didn’t exactly try to talk their quarterback out of retirement. Said Cook: “I talked to Brett this morning and I told him, ‘Nobody forced you to make this decision to retire, but the flip side is nobody encouraged you to play.’ ”

For as prolific of a career as Brett has had, which include three Most Valuable Player awards, 61,665 yards, 442 career touchdowns and one Super Bowl ring, Favre is, for all intents and purposes, a fragile baby.

Brett needs his ego stroked. He needs people to need him.

Does anyone really believe that a month from now, three months from now, five months from now, he’ll be at home enjoying life after football and quietly reflect on his career with satisfaction?

He’ll look back at how his last season ended. He’ll think about how he was that close to another Super Bowl. How his final pass was an interception. How he was upstaged by Eli Manning as the Giants celebrated an NFC title on Lambeau Field.

He’ll look at the current crop of NFL QB’s on any given Sunday; the Romos, the Mannings, the Bradys, and he’ll say to himself ,“I can still play with them.”

By his own admission, Favre even left a message on Mortensen’s voicemail proclaiming “I’m tired…but, I mean, I can still play!…”

That doesn’t sound like a man who’s realized he doesn’t have it anymore, it doesn’t sound like someone satisfied with being one of the best to ever play the position, and it certainly doesn’t sound like someone who is ready to hang his cleats.

It just sounds like someone waiting to be needed.

It is the bane of my existence as a resident homer in this sports wasteland.

The jaded fan might respond with asking “well, what the heck are we supposed to talk about then?”

Surely not the Panthers, who while self-destructing in the face of numerous late losses, are in danger of missing the playoffs for the eighth consecutive season. What’s that? They’re only 7 points out of the third seed? Really? Instead, the local response is, “I thought the Panthers were a football team in Carolina? And what is this hockey thing you keep mentioning?”

Certainly not the Heat, who are just two seasons removed from winning the NBA title, and only make news when Dwyane Wade does something spectacular, when Pat Riley threatens to retire, or when he’s trading Shaquille O’Neal. Oh wait, perhaps you’ll hear how they currently own the worst record in the NBA. Why talk about them? “Wake me up if we own the #1 pick in the draft and grab Michael Beasley, and then wake me up again when we make the playoffs” you’ll hear.

You probably won’t hear much on the Marlins, who are fresh off of their announcement that they’ve secured funding for a new baseball-only ballpark in Miami, and have just started spring-training. After all, they’ve traded their most popular players and are, by all accounts, in for a 50-60 win season at best. Don’t even mention them. Instead, let’s discuss how people really feel about the fish. “The Marlins suck, they trade everyone, the stadium is in a horrible location, and I’m a fan of the (insert: Mets, Yankees, Red Sox, Cubs) anyway, so wake me up when they’re in town, or when the Marlins are on their way to winning another World Series.”

Perhaps we could talk about how the University of Miami’s basketball team is on the verge of making the NCAA tournament this month, after emotional wins against the likes of Duke and Maryland.

Maybe we could talk about how local street-fighter Kimbo Slice is on pace to become some hybrid version of Mike Tyson and Mr. T., who is one part thug, one part charisma, all parts bad-ass.

No, no. None of that nonsense for us thanks. Instead, let’s talk about what the Dolphins are going to do with that #1 pick. Let’s discuss for the umpteenth consecutive year how they’re too weak at the QB position. Let’s lament on how we haven’t seen consistency at the position since Marino…again.

Yes, that’s it!

Let’s grab the local paper and read about how David Carr is available, and how he’d be a perfect stopgap until John Beck is ready, or until whomever the ‘Phins decide to draft is. Whatever comes first.

Never mind that Carr has been a complete bust since he was drafted #1 overall out of Fresno State in 2002, or that John Beck is not going to get any better by sitting out more games on the bench. That’s not important. Let’s not talk about how if Bill Parcells goes after Carr, he’d be praised, but how if previous coach Cam Cameron would have done so, he’d be ridiculed.

Forget the fact that the draft is well over a month away, and that mini-camps are a lifetime away. Put the fact that the Dolphins have more holes than a single draft or free-agency can fix out of your mind. Ignore the understanding that the Dolphins are in for a few more seasons of losing records before they can even legitimately sniff a playoff spot. And ignore that while a few seasons of consecutive 9-7 or 10-6 records with first round playoff exits are a vast improvement, it’d simply return them to where they were under Dave Wannstedt five years ago.

Yeah, let’s talk about all that. In March.

Ironically, with 365 days of Dolphin-talk, locals struggle to fill Dolphin Stadium during those oh-so-many 10 days a year when they’re actually playing. Heaven forbid these people from actually putting up instead of shutting up.

So, let’s not talk about those other teams and their crazy stories. Instead, let’s talk about a 1-15 team that doesn’t play again until August, and how they should or shouldn’t go after a washed up QB that is going to do nothing to help them in the present, and less likely, in their future.

Because after all, for as different as all these other sports stories are, the fan base here at least has one one common thread.

They’re all talk.

Yet, when I learned that the deal for a new Marlins stadium finally passed, preserving baseball in this town for at least 35 years, I only felt one thing.

Nothing.

Perhaps I’m just numb from the endless debate on tourist-tax dollars, crooked politicians, the location of the stadium, the traffic, the isolated Broward fans, the sketchy ownership, yada, yada, yada. I simply shut down.

And honestly, how could I not? How could anyone not?

You’ve got the one side that thinks it’s completely mind numbing to live in a city with the problems Miami has, yet could somehow find $500 million dollars to build a playground for the rich. Does the fact that the money is coming from a source, that of tourist taxes, that are unable to be used for social services matter? Should these people simply shrug their shoulders and say, “oh, okay then,” when thousands are losing their homes, salaries are low, and schools are overcrowded?

Then you’ve got the other side who is skeptical enough to think that those same crooked politicians would just as easily take those $500 million and blow them on something else if they had the chance. Should the community ignore that a stadium would help spur economic development in a poor area, provide jobs to hundreds, and keep baseball in this community for decades?

Don’t forget the me-me-me types who only care about how much they think they’re paying, how much they think they’re going to be paying, and how far they’re going to have to drive and sit in traffic.

And don’t get me started on the location issue. “The stadium should be built in Ft. Lauderdale ” you’ll hear. “No, it should be next to Dolphin Stadium” says another. “How about next to the AAA in downtown!” emits from the peanut gallery…

The back and forth debates would drive any sane man crazy.

But I came to realize that there is absolutely no way to appease the masses. No matter what the end result was, people were going to be angry and upset.

Whether you agree or disagree, baseball in South Florida has been saved. And anyone who cares even a little bit about baseball, or this city for that matter, should see this whole thing for what it is.

Something positive, something long overdue, and something worthwhile.

”What happened [Thursday night] was the final elimination of uncertainty surrounding our franchise,” Marlins President David Samson said. “This is the date, Feb. 21, that the Miami Marlins are permanently saved in South Florida. So when fans are making their decisions who to support and how much investment emotionally, they can now feel good about the fact their team will be here for generations to come.”

And that feels good to an awful lot of people.

No, really, I’m serious.

Yes, I do realize the Marlins have finally been approved for a baseball-only stadium (I’ve got a whole post about it coming soon). And yes, I realize that no one cares about hockey down here.

Thanks.

Nevertheless, the story tonight is about about the Panthers, and how they’ve just squandered their third game in a row in which they’ve entered the third period with a two goal lead.

Still with me? Good.

The Panthers coughed up another 2 goal lead in the third period tonight, and while their overtime loss earned them a point, the Carolina Hurricanes 5-3 victory over Atlanta extended their division lead by six points.

This loss however stings all the more, and it’s fair to wonder how this string of late losses will affect them as they try to shake loose from their “young and talented” label into a legitimate contender.

After Tuesday’s loss against the Penguins, Defenseman Ruslan Salei was quoted as saying ”Sometimes we seem to be scared, afraid, it’s getting mental now. When you get to the last 10 minutes, and you start shaking. You can’t do that. It’s the last quarter of the season. We should be used to this.”

Bryan Allen echoed those sentiments, adding that the Panthers might be ”motivated to play that much harder” in future games because of the late losses. And for two periods against the visiting Bruins, it seemed as if they were. Yet as soon as the puck dropped to start the third period, there was immediately a sense that things were beginning to unravel.

One thing is for certain, this mental roadblock needs to be addressed, and quickly, if the Panthers have any hopes of catching Carolina for the division lead and their first playoff birth since 2000.

‘This is very tough and isn’t a situation we want to be in,” Steve Montador said. “We have to know better, and I can’t describe it any better. I don’t know how to.”

Neither do I.

Walk for the Animals is an annual event benefiting the The Humane Society of Broward County. HSBC is the largest animal adoption agency in the Southeast United States. Last year alone they placed over 10,000 animals in homes!

It’s a really great cause that our family really believes in.

So please, spare a few bucks and donate to the Humane Society. You can sponsor our walk by clicking here.

Remember when making fun of your local sports team was relegated to comments on a bad trade, a blow-out loss, or shitty players?

Well, the Florida Marlins are making an assault on tradition, reason, and logic.

They’re waging a full scale war on “class.”

They’re now auditioning for…wait for it…fat male cheerleaders (excuse me, I mean “dance team/energy squad”).

I wish I was kidding.

Don’t believe me? Too absurd, too far-fetched, too mind-boggling? Fine. Read it and weep yourself.

You can’t make this stuff up people. You just can’t.

This is so maddening to me that I can’t even begin to formulate an actual intelligent response. This is beyond comprehension.

Seriously, I want to punch the nearest person around me squarely in the face.

How else would you describe trading the artist-formally-known-as-Shaq (and his contract) to the Suns for Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks?

It really seems like yesterday when Miami acquired Shaq in their stunning deal with the Lakers, arriving on Biscayne Blvd in a Diesel truck, firing water with a supersoaker to super-psyched fans. Which is funny now in hindsight because the Heat championship that happened two full years later feels like it happened a decade ago.

And just two years after that, Shaq has quickly, historically even, turned into a mere shadow of his former self. So much so that the Heat even considered buying out his contract. He’s been old, slow, out-of-shape, distant, and on the bench, and that’s on a good day.

Nevertheless, there is something to be said about watching his press conference yesterday and thinking about how he could easily turn into Vince Carter 2.0.

Remember when Vince was phoning-it-in in Toronto? He bitched and complained while playing so half-assed, that he didn’t even resemble himself, eventually prompting the Raptors to trade him to NJ for 30 cents on the dollar. What happened next? A rejuvenated Vince immediately returned to form and became a monster on the court. He turned it on, just like that.

A part of me wonders if we’ll be saying the same things about Shaq in a few days, when he makes his debut with the Suns.

“I’m very upset,” said Shaq to a room full of reporters yesterday during his Suns introduction, “and when I’m upset, I’ve been known to do certain things like win championships.”

I wouldn’t be surprised. Not even a little bit.

Coach K – Mr. Walsh from 90210

Coach K is a legend at Duke and has a way of bringing out the best in his players. Moving the Walsh’s from Minnesota to Beverly Hills however didn’t bring out the best in his daughter Brenda.

Will Smith – Robert Horry

“Here it is a groove, slightly trans-formed, just a bit of a break from the norm…” I like to think Horry uses Jacque Vaughn as his Jazzy Jeff.

Kyle Korver – Ashton Kutcher

Hey Sixers! You’ve been Punk’d!

Chris Bosh – Ostrich

In the basketball nickname pantheon, we’ve had “The Mailman” and most recently “The Mamba” to enjoy. Today, I add Chris “The Ostrich” Bosh to the annals.

Billy Donovan – Eddie Munster

Two first ballot Hall of Famers in the Widow’s Peak Hall of Fame.

Don Nelson – Boris Yeltsin

Rounding us out today is this submission by thebigoz.com reader Felix Brutter from www.venfino.com, complete with the requisite fist raise! Thanks Felix!